I haven't really enjoyed Fable 3 much at all. The only enemies in it (aside from the nonsensical and frankly disappointing boss) are hobbes, balverines, and hollow men. There are no trolls, for example- nor are there any other enemies that would prove a genuine challenge. Once you've got your magical spells (or really any other skill for that matter) maxed out, the illusion of any sort of real challenge disappears.
The vast majority of quests consist of one of the following:
- physically drag a non-player character to another location
- find any number of small, difficult to find items (for example, books)
- fetch an item from a remote area
- eliminate a mob of enemies
None of the quests prove particularly difficult, especially not once you realise you've been performing the same tasks, or a jumbled combination of them. Most of them left me feeling underwhelmed, moreso once I realised I had been repeating the same tasks multiple times. More importantly, none of the individual storylines stood out on their own, which I found particularly disapointing. I've always enjoyed the Fable series for its humour and unique dialogue, however I never overheard any particularly amusing being said amongst the non-player characters, and none of the sidequests were very humerous or emotionally engaging.
Another important feature which seemed completely overlooked had to do with the issue of good versus evil character alignment. In Fable and Fable 2, the player is asked to make a series of often difficult decisions which effect the main storyline, the cosmetic look of your character, and general interaction with non-player characters. In Fable 3, this simply fell flat. What sets Fable 3 apart from the previous games is the lack of any sort of middle ground. Allignment decisions are not at all difficult to decipher as there is little or no moral gray area. In fact, you are quite blatantly informed of which decisions are good and evil in realtime, as you make them.
Furthermore, once you have access to the royal treasury, depositing a few hundred thousand dollars from your personal coffers magically erases any evil decisions you might have made in a matter of seconds. In short, the illusion of any sort of moral quandary in the game is very neatly shattered early on. I'm not quite certain what Lionhead was trying to achieve by adding this ability. Was it supposed to serve as some sort of tongue-in-cheek social commentary? If so, it really wasn't all that surprising, nor was it particularly clever.
The main storyline was very disappointing as well, especially when compared to the one offered up in Fable 2. The 'Road to Rule' feature was quite heavily tied into the storyline as well, which I found not only problematic, but sadly predictable. It was relatively easy to see how many steps one would have to take to reach the end of the game, and caused my to think of the game much more laterally. Because of this, the game took very little time to complete. I've spent roughly seventeen hours Fable 3 so far, including all of the current downloadable content. I played Fable 2 for approximately fourty-five hours before I even got close to completing the main storyline.
On the subject of downloadable content, I've managed to stumble upon a personally amusing glitch. After downloading the 'Traitor's Keep' pack, my character has inexplicably changed genders, transitioning from female to male. Everything else is mostly the same; I still have the same amount of quests completed, the prospective balances of my vault and the royal treasury are unchanged, and I still appear to have all of the weapons I've collected. Sadly I am missing quite a few cosmetic items, however I ought to have no trouble purchasing them again.
The most amusing happenstance regarding the glitch occurs during story dialogue. Non-player characters still reffer to my character as 'My Queen' or similar variants, both audibly and in text. Because of this, I have made plans to purchase several dresses, dye them absurdly bright colours, and only listen to music by Rupaul whilst traipsing about Albion. As such, I have dubbed this the drag queen glitch.
Several reports indicate that the drag queen glitch occurs after being in multiplayer games where your connection is unexpectedly lost. Others have speculated that it's more likely to occur after you've performed an exploit for additional funds, but I find that highly unlikely, as it would presuppose that Lionhead actually had a twinge of foresight. This definitely isn't the first time one of their games has had a particularly annoying flaw.
I've never actually used aforementioned exploit, but I have been disconnected from my multiplayer party several times. If you would like to attempt to reproduce the drag queen glitch, your best bet is to connect with a friend online, making certain that one of you has an exceedingly dodgy connection. Considering the myriad reports, you are fairly likely to force the glitch eventually. Just make sure you're neither of you are attached to anything in your inventory, because chances are it will disappear.
Many players are impressed by the fact that it's now much easier to keep your character attractive in Fable 3. I have to admit that I was quite annoyed by the fact that my character looked like a steroid pumping rugby player by the end of Fable 2, but I would be more than happy to go right back to that after all the disappointment I've suffered playing Fable 3. It's a small and barely notable concession nestled between slabs of predictable drivel and failure.
In short, if you haven't yet purchased Fable 3, don't bother. If you're sincerely curious, I would suggest renting it. Better yet, just play through Fable 2 again. It's a much more satisfying and immersive experience. So far the most amusing occurance I've encountered (aforementioned drag queen glitch) was a complete accident. I've repressed most of the remaining disappointment, but overall Fable 3 was just plain disapointing.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Monday, June 28, 2010
A Useful Recipe
Guys. I have invented what is likely the best possible drink ever.
Chilled Water
ingredients:
* 10 to 12 regular sized ice cubes
* tapwater
* a large pitcher
* a refrigerator
* a glass
* a colourful bendy straw (optional, but recommended.)
Instructions:
- Acquire an ice cube tray (Some people like to use the new silicon ones, but I am quite partial to ones which are made in the old fashioned way with hard plastic. {One important thing to note here is that you should not, under any circumstances, use ice from one of those fancy refrigerators with an ice cube maker. Those things are gross and for some reason always taste like charcoal and failure. Don't ask me why, I didn't make the fucking things}.) Make ice the way nature intended. In your damn freezer.
- Fill the tray with water from your tap. (If your tapwater tastes gross, I suggest using bottled water.)
- Place tray with water in your freezer.
- Wait 4 to 5 hours.
- Remove tray from freezer. At this point you will notice that your water has become a solid. If you are still looking at a sloshy tray, you are probably doing it wrong, and need to start over completely. In fact, that wasn't even you freezer, was it? Yeah, that looks like a cupboard. Those are warm. You want cold. Try again with the freezer next time.
- Get a largeish pitcher. Glass or plastic will do fine. I personally prefer glass, but this is entirely up to you, and what you have available to you. If you do not have a pitcher, I suggest you purchase one from your local housewares store, or online.
- Place your ice cubes in the pitcher.
- Fill the pitcher (with ice cubes) 5/6ths of the way with water from your tap (or bottled water, as stated above.)
- Place the ice/water mixture in your freezer. At this point I feel like I should mention that you should not remove the ice/water mixture from your pitcher. That would just be stupid and messy. (But then you're a smart kid, and you've probably worked this out on your own.)
- Close your fridge door.
- Wait 30-45 minutes.
- Remove the pitcher from your refrigerator and pour a glass of the liquid into the glass you have (hopefully) had waiting for this very purpose. What? You didn't? You haven't been following my instructions at all, have you. Go get a glass, damnit.
- Add colourful bendy straw.
- Enjoy your beverage.
Chilled Water
ingredients:
* 10 to 12 regular sized ice cubes
* tapwater
* a large pitcher
* a refrigerator
* a glass
* a colourful bendy straw (optional, but recommended.)
Instructions:
- Acquire an ice cube tray (Some people like to use the new silicon ones, but I am quite partial to ones which are made in the old fashioned way with hard plastic. {One important thing to note here is that you should not, under any circumstances, use ice from one of those fancy refrigerators with an ice cube maker. Those things are gross and for some reason always taste like charcoal and failure. Don't ask me why, I didn't make the fucking things}.) Make ice the way nature intended. In your damn freezer.
- Fill the tray with water from your tap. (If your tapwater tastes gross, I suggest using bottled water.)
- Place tray with water in your freezer.
- Wait 4 to 5 hours.
- Remove tray from freezer. At this point you will notice that your water has become a solid. If you are still looking at a sloshy tray, you are probably doing it wrong, and need to start over completely. In fact, that wasn't even you freezer, was it? Yeah, that looks like a cupboard. Those are warm. You want cold. Try again with the freezer next time.
- Get a largeish pitcher. Glass or plastic will do fine. I personally prefer glass, but this is entirely up to you, and what you have available to you. If you do not have a pitcher, I suggest you purchase one from your local housewares store, or online.
- Place your ice cubes in the pitcher.
- Fill the pitcher (with ice cubes) 5/6ths of the way with water from your tap (or bottled water, as stated above.)
- Place the ice/water mixture in your freezer. At this point I feel like I should mention that you should not remove the ice/water mixture from your pitcher. That would just be stupid and messy. (But then you're a smart kid, and you've probably worked this out on your own.)
- Close your fridge door.
- Wait 30-45 minutes.
- Remove the pitcher from your refrigerator and pour a glass of the liquid into the glass you have (hopefully) had waiting for this very purpose. What? You didn't? You haven't been following my instructions at all, have you. Go get a glass, damnit.
- Add colourful bendy straw.
- Enjoy your beverage.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Hilarious Things Which Happen When Your Editor Is An Insane Megalomaniac
So I recently got dropped from a wideogame website. My editor never actually specified the voice he would like me to communicate to the public with, or gave me any guidelines on posts. Basically I was given free reign, and as such I ran with it. I only wrote two articles, which he has (as of about 10 minutes ago) pulled. Below is the communication sent between myself and him in the past few weeks. Enjoy the idiocy, humans.
post script: These have not been altered in any way, other than the removal of names/websites/specifics.
-----
from him to me:
Hello Ashley,
I've been wanting to talk to you about your writing style and how it fits into the site. After having read the articles you have put up onto the site I have noticed a trend in your writing that doesn't really fit into the image we're trying to present. Your articles and reviews are somewhat over-personalized and their content seems to focus more on you rather than the games they should be about or the people who would be reading it. While I do want your subjective opinion about the games you review and the topics you write about it needs to be a much smaller part of the way you write for the site as we are journalists and as such need to be very objective in our writing. It's important to remember that even though we are trying to establish our own internet personas to provide the site with some character we are still a professional site and we need act as such. This goes double for features such as editorials, as people who don't know you personally will have trouble identifying and caring about it. To reiterate I'm writing to let you know of the balance I hope to achieve within the writing style of the entire site. Ultimately I want you to be able to write in a professional and a personal capacity without writing in a casual capacity. If you would like for me to be more specific about this issue I can provide you with some of examples of what I'm talking about and we can have a dialogue, I thank you for your understanding and I look forward to reading your next article.
Regards,
xxxxx
Administrator/Founder xxxx blog
----
my reply:
Hi,
I'm a bit interested to know why this is only coming up now. Would I have known that you had misgivings prior to the articles going up, I would have had an easier time tailoring my articles to suit your needs before it even became an issue. Furthermore, I think it would be beneficial for everyone to know that you are looking for a certain 'voice' in the articles you post on the xxx blog, because I'm not sure if that has even been discussed.
Ashley
----
Hello Ashley,
The reason I didn't bring it up right away with you is because I wanted to see how your first review turned out and to see if maybe the concerns I expressed were only something relevant to your first article rather than your style. The reason I haven't made a huge announcement to everyone about this is because this is something that was already laid out long before you came on board and they already work within those limits. The big reason I'm talking to you about this is because the site is headed to big things in the very near future (we're getting our business license on Monday) and the site needs a solid foundation to succeed not just in a business sense but in terms the people who write for it as well. Reviews in particular need to be as professional as possible as we will have the developers, publishers, and customers reading our reviews and purchasing or interacting with us accordingly. To make myself clear we aren't pandering to companies but we need to represent their products in as professional a matter as possible. I bring this up because I want you to continue writing for us and the last thing I want is either alienate you or the people behind the games we're reviewing who may feel you haven't given them a well written review. Even though we are dealing with some of the smaller fish of the games industry at the moment we don't want to make dealing with them any harder than it already is not to mention bigger companies will judge us by how we interact with these smaller companies and provide material and advertising accordingly. If you have any questions please let me know and we'll discuss them.
Regards,
xxxxx
Administrator/Founder xxxx blog
----
Needless to say, I didn't reply to this last email. I had no clue what to say. Regardless, This was in my inbox this afternoon:
(from him)
Hello Ashley,
xxx colleague has let me know of your decision to leave the site after last week’s discussion of our new rules as a business and I wanted to double check with you before I took any action. It definitely pains me to see you leave our company but I also completely understand why you’re doing it. I’m sorry our organization could not offer to you the writing environment you desired. I wish you well with future endeavours and I will make sure you have full rights to the work you have created with our site so you can use it in other places. Please make sure you keep or a make a copy of your articles and once I have confirmation from you that you have them in your possession I will remove from the site so as not to obstruct those article’s view counts when you post them in other places. As for the press release you have written for us, I will leave that up to you as to whether you would prefer to have that returned or if we can still use it for the launch of the new site. Of course almost all of the above is moot if you’re choosing to stay but I felt it was best to lay all the cards on table here. Anyways if you could get back to me with your decision as whether you’re staying with us or resigning and if so what you would like me to do with press release I would be very grateful.
Regards and I hope you’re well,
xxxxx
----
And my inevitable icy reply:
Dear Mr. xxxxx,
I kindly thank you for your continued interest in my writing. I will inform you, however, that as you have as yet to draft a formal contract whereby the authors of this site (myself included) sign over their rights for their intellectual property (articles, podcasts, webcasts, et al,), you have very little say over what any of your contributors do with of their material. That is to say, I would be, at this point, completely within my rights to propagate my material anywhere I wish. It would behoove you to know that this is actually true of all of your contributors. Furthermore, as your current business license applies only to the city of xxxxx, a contract signed by myself (assuming I had done so, which I have not) would be immediately void as I am operating outside of your contract's boundaries.
As such, you are welcome to do whatever you wish with the content I have provided, however bear in mind that this doesn't actually change anything. If you would like to take down my articles, please do so. Further, if you would like to use my press release, feel free to do that as well. To be quite honest, I no longer care.
Warmest regards and good luck in your professional business venture,
Ashley
----
And here is his reply, which I did not feel the need to reply to for what I hope are entirely obvious reasons:
Hello Ashley,
I am fully aware that you and all of my current contributors have full rights over their content until a contract has been drafted and then signed by them (a step I will be taking in the not too distant future I assure you). The only reason I wanted to make sure that you had your content along with reassurances that I would remove it from the site was so that when the site does go live and the aforementioned contract is drafted and signed that you know that we have done right by you in a legal capacity. I’m sorry you misunderstood me.
I hope you do share your material with whatever sites will have it and that you succeed in a writing space more applicable to your needs. As I have previously stated I will be removing your content however it is to prevent any future legal issues rather than a lack of quality, I still believe that despite the fact that your content did not line up with our site’s philosophies it was still of a very high quality.
Regards and good luck,
xxxxx
post script: These have not been altered in any way, other than the removal of names/websites/specifics.
-----
from him to me:
Hello Ashley,
I've been wanting to talk to you about your writing style and how it fits into the site. After having read the articles you have put up onto the site I have noticed a trend in your writing that doesn't really fit into the image we're trying to present. Your articles and reviews are somewhat over-personalized and their content seems to focus more on you rather than the games they should be about or the people who would be reading it. While I do want your subjective opinion about the games you review and the topics you write about it needs to be a much smaller part of the way you write for the site as we are journalists and as such need to be very objective in our writing. It's important to remember that even though we are trying to establish our own internet personas to provide the site with some character we are still a professional site and we need act as such. This goes double for features such as editorials, as people who don't know you personally will have trouble identifying and caring about it. To reiterate I'm writing to let you know of the balance I hope to achieve within the writing style of the entire site. Ultimately I want you to be able to write in a professional and a personal capacity without writing in a casual capacity. If you would like for me to be more specific about this issue I can provide you with some of examples of what I'm talking about and we can have a dialogue, I thank you for your understanding and I look forward to reading your next article.
Regards,
xxxxx
Administrator/Founder xxxx blog
----
my reply:
Hi,
I'm a bit interested to know why this is only coming up now. Would I have known that you had misgivings prior to the articles going up, I would have had an easier time tailoring my articles to suit your needs before it even became an issue. Furthermore, I think it would be beneficial for everyone to know that you are looking for a certain 'voice' in the articles you post on the xxx blog, because I'm not sure if that has even been discussed.
Ashley
----
Hello Ashley,
The reason I didn't bring it up right away with you is because I wanted to see how your first review turned out and to see if maybe the concerns I expressed were only something relevant to your first article rather than your style. The reason I haven't made a huge announcement to everyone about this is because this is something that was already laid out long before you came on board and they already work within those limits. The big reason I'm talking to you about this is because the site is headed to big things in the very near future (we're getting our business license on Monday) and the site needs a solid foundation to succeed not just in a business sense but in terms the people who write for it as well. Reviews in particular need to be as professional as possible as we will have the developers, publishers, and customers reading our reviews and purchasing or interacting with us accordingly. To make myself clear we aren't pandering to companies but we need to represent their products in as professional a matter as possible. I bring this up because I want you to continue writing for us and the last thing I want is either alienate you or the people behind the games we're reviewing who may feel you haven't given them a well written review. Even though we are dealing with some of the smaller fish of the games industry at the moment we don't want to make dealing with them any harder than it already is not to mention bigger companies will judge us by how we interact with these smaller companies and provide material and advertising accordingly. If you have any questions please let me know and we'll discuss them.
Regards,
xxxxx
Administrator/Founder xxxx blog
----
Needless to say, I didn't reply to this last email. I had no clue what to say. Regardless, This was in my inbox this afternoon:
(from him)
Hello Ashley,
xxx colleague has let me know of your decision to leave the site after last week’s discussion of our new rules as a business and I wanted to double check with you before I took any action. It definitely pains me to see you leave our company but I also completely understand why you’re doing it. I’m sorry our organization could not offer to you the writing environment you desired. I wish you well with future endeavours and I will make sure you have full rights to the work you have created with our site so you can use it in other places. Please make sure you keep or a make a copy of your articles and once I have confirmation from you that you have them in your possession I will remove from the site so as not to obstruct those article’s view counts when you post them in other places. As for the press release you have written for us, I will leave that up to you as to whether you would prefer to have that returned or if we can still use it for the launch of the new site. Of course almost all of the above is moot if you’re choosing to stay but I felt it was best to lay all the cards on table here. Anyways if you could get back to me with your decision as whether you’re staying with us or resigning and if so what you would like me to do with press release I would be very grateful.
Regards and I hope you’re well,
xxxxx
----
And my inevitable icy reply:
Dear Mr. xxxxx,
I kindly thank you for your continued interest in my writing. I will inform you, however, that as you have as yet to draft a formal contract whereby the authors of this site (myself included) sign over their rights for their intellectual property (articles, podcasts, webcasts, et al,), you have very little say over what any of your contributors do with of their material. That is to say, I would be, at this point, completely within my rights to propagate my material anywhere I wish. It would behoove you to know that this is actually true of all of your contributors. Furthermore, as your current business license applies only to the city of xxxxx, a contract signed by myself (assuming I had done so, which I have not) would be immediately void as I am operating outside of your contract's boundaries.
As such, you are welcome to do whatever you wish with the content I have provided, however bear in mind that this doesn't actually change anything. If you would like to take down my articles, please do so. Further, if you would like to use my press release, feel free to do that as well. To be quite honest, I no longer care.
Warmest regards and good luck in your professional business venture,
Ashley
----
And here is his reply, which I did not feel the need to reply to for what I hope are entirely obvious reasons:
Hello Ashley,
I am fully aware that you and all of my current contributors have full rights over their content until a contract has been drafted and then signed by them (a step I will be taking in the not too distant future I assure you). The only reason I wanted to make sure that you had your content along with reassurances that I would remove it from the site was so that when the site does go live and the aforementioned contract is drafted and signed that you know that we have done right by you in a legal capacity. I’m sorry you misunderstood me.
I hope you do share your material with whatever sites will have it and that you succeed in a writing space more applicable to your needs. As I have previously stated I will be removing your content however it is to prevent any future legal issues rather than a lack of quality, I still believe that despite the fact that your content did not line up with our site’s philosophies it was still of a very high quality.
Regards and good luck,
xxxxx
Urban Space Squirrels (and why it is not worth the dollar you were thinking of shelling out for it)
At first glance, this seems like a very well put together game. The controls are pretty simple to use (once you figure out what you’re doing, anyway,) and the graphics are kitchy and sleek. The music is slightly repetitive, but to be perfectly honest it’s quite decent and not at all grating, which is a thing that (sadly) ruins a lot of puzzle/platformer games for me. Also it’s a cute concept. I mean, you’re a squirrel jumping around and blowing things up in order to get from point a to point b. Thats freakin’ adorable. Unfortunately the execution of the actual game play leaves quite a bit to be desired.
The main game mechanic in general is one of the most frustrating things about it. You absolutely have to put down a bomb in order to make the vast majority of your jumps. The puzzles range between mind-numbingly easy to absurdly difficult, with little or no scaling in between. With your primary controls being located on the trigger buttons and left analog stick, it’s extremely simple to screw everything up with minimal effort.
When I went to close the game and go back to the dashboard, a message popped up about how leaving the game would make a small baby squirrel cry. Come on, game. I played you. I stuck around for a good 20 minutes before I got fed up, even. I gave you a freaking chance, and now you’re trying to guilt me into playing more by saying I will make a baby squirrel cry.
No game, I will not buy into your guilt trip. In fact, I defy you. I actually paid for and downloaded another game about farting because I didn’t want to play you past the three levels I sat through. And then there’s another thing, you can’t be both urban and from space. Are you spatially urban? Are you urbanly spaced? I am seriously fucked if I know. In fact I’m not even sure ‘urbanly’ is a word. But that’s not the point game. The point is, I trusted you, and you let me down.
I am basically really jealous that Matt got another game to review and I ended up with a game about a blue squirrel in space. Which initially sounds really rad, but then it isn’t. As such, I will give ‘Urban Space Squirrels’ two out of five stars. As I said, the graphics and music were quite impressive, expecially for an indie effort, but the game play just doesn’t stand up.
The main game mechanic in general is one of the most frustrating things about it. You absolutely have to put down a bomb in order to make the vast majority of your jumps. The puzzles range between mind-numbingly easy to absurdly difficult, with little or no scaling in between. With your primary controls being located on the trigger buttons and left analog stick, it’s extremely simple to screw everything up with minimal effort.
When I went to close the game and go back to the dashboard, a message popped up about how leaving the game would make a small baby squirrel cry. Come on, game. I played you. I stuck around for a good 20 minutes before I got fed up, even. I gave you a freaking chance, and now you’re trying to guilt me into playing more by saying I will make a baby squirrel cry.
No game, I will not buy into your guilt trip. In fact, I defy you. I actually paid for and downloaded another game about farting because I didn’t want to play you past the three levels I sat through. And then there’s another thing, you can’t be both urban and from space. Are you spatially urban? Are you urbanly spaced? I am seriously fucked if I know. In fact I’m not even sure ‘urbanly’ is a word. But that’s not the point game. The point is, I trusted you, and you let me down.
I am basically really jealous that Matt got another game to review and I ended up with a game about a blue squirrel in space. Which initially sounds really rad, but then it isn’t. As such, I will give ‘Urban Space Squirrels’ two out of five stars. As I said, the graphics and music were quite impressive, expecially for an indie effort, but the game play just doesn’t stand up.
Why i Drink When I Play (awful) Games
(A Sub-Narrative by Ashley Farmer)
Disclaimer: Your family, friends, and/or physician would not appreciate you imbibing this much alcohol. Ever. Lest your liver turn into diamonds. Ashley has been training for ages, and should be regarded as some kind of shining golden (or as it might happen, diamond) goddess of drinking. Read the following with caution.
Guys. Honestly. Do any of you NOT drink when you’re playing games? Specifically really bad ones. I mean really bad ones. I once played ‘Coraline’ for the PS2 on a dare, and needed approximately 7 beers, 750ml of cheap sake, two bottles of wine, and one bottle of exceedingly fancy gin. Over the space of two days. I would tell you about the mixers, but honestly that would take too long. What I am trying to say is this: if you play bad games on purpose and don’t drink, you are probably doing it wrong.
Back to the point- when it turns out I have made a bad purchase, or that I have just been dared by some bastard to finish a terrible game, booze always takes the edge off. Did I care that I was collecting fucking buttons for ages so I could skip parts of ‘Coraline’ (Yeah dudes, they built in a game mechanic that lets you skip things if you’ve got enough scratch. Seriously.)? No. Because I was blitzed out of my mind on g&t’s.
Ever had the friend who insists you play That One (it doesn’t matter which) first person shooter that you hate every Friday night that you can’t seem to get a date? Being a bit of a hermit, I certainly have. Now I make it a point for people to tell me a few days ahead of time so I can acquire such as a box of wine and chill it properly so that I don’t care that I’m being screeched at by 12 year olds. Yes. I have play dates to get drunk and play bad games. Go ahead and judge, but at least I won’t remember it in the morning.
Basically what I am saying is this: drinking and games are truly a classic combination. It only gets better if you’re occupied with something you really hate and can’t tear yourself away from the train wreck of whatever it is you’re playing. Think about it.
Disclaimer: Your family, friends, and/or physician would not appreciate you imbibing this much alcohol. Ever. Lest your liver turn into diamonds. Ashley has been training for ages, and should be regarded as some kind of shining golden (or as it might happen, diamond) goddess of drinking. Read the following with caution.
Guys. Honestly. Do any of you NOT drink when you’re playing games? Specifically really bad ones. I mean really bad ones. I once played ‘Coraline’ for the PS2 on a dare, and needed approximately 7 beers, 750ml of cheap sake, two bottles of wine, and one bottle of exceedingly fancy gin. Over the space of two days. I would tell you about the mixers, but honestly that would take too long. What I am trying to say is this: if you play bad games on purpose and don’t drink, you are probably doing it wrong.
Back to the point- when it turns out I have made a bad purchase, or that I have just been dared by some bastard to finish a terrible game, booze always takes the edge off. Did I care that I was collecting fucking buttons for ages so I could skip parts of ‘Coraline’ (Yeah dudes, they built in a game mechanic that lets you skip things if you’ve got enough scratch. Seriously.)? No. Because I was blitzed out of my mind on g&t’s.
Ever had the friend who insists you play That One (it doesn’t matter which) first person shooter that you hate every Friday night that you can’t seem to get a date? Being a bit of a hermit, I certainly have. Now I make it a point for people to tell me a few days ahead of time so I can acquire such as a box of wine and chill it properly so that I don’t care that I’m being screeched at by 12 year olds. Yes. I have play dates to get drunk and play bad games. Go ahead and judge, but at least I won’t remember it in the morning.
Basically what I am saying is this: drinking and games are truly a classic combination. It only gets better if you’re occupied with something you really hate and can’t tear yourself away from the train wreck of whatever it is you’re playing. Think about it.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
my dreambrain likes puns or something
I was hanging out with Tony Stark (yes, Iron Man) one night when I was hi with a very sudden attack of anemia. Mr. Stark was carrying me up from his pool area when we met a small group of guerrilla paparazzi coming down to meet us. They had leaves and bits of twig fastened to their hats and outfits, and were grinning at us as they snapped pictures. Of course Mr. Stark was furious, so he very gently put me down, and proceeded to throw the guys into the pool behind us. Upon hitting the water, they turned into ducks. Tony picked me back up and we went back to his house proper, where he put me down on a trendy couch and got me some iron pills and a glass of water. When I was feeling a bit better, he made us both some rare steaks and asparagus tips, and we watched some cartoons on a big projector screen.
At about 2am real time, I woke up very pleased and then fell immediately back asleep. The important thing to remember was that I was having trouble with iron defficiency while hanging out with Iron Man. The second dream is harder to explain, but I shall try my best.
I was in england hanging out with some relatives and friends. Since they most have pubs and not a whole lot of cocktail bars in the UK, we had gotten several bottles of different liquors, mixers, etc, and I was playing bartender. I turned to the freezer to get some more ice for a martini and one of my friends stopped me, and said 'Watch out for grandad.' I was like "Wtf are you on about?' and turned to the freezer. I was just about to open it when a skeleton torso, arms and a head popped out and went the silent movie equiv. of 'BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!' Of course I dropped the drink I was carrying and screamed. The skeleton looked pleased and went back into the icebox. All I remember after this bit was at some point a narrator took over and began explaining as thus:
'....In 1885, the families servants began the custom of burying their dead in garbage heaps as the graveyards were overflowing. Not everyone agreed with this however. One woman was so distraught over losing her husband that she moved his place of burial a full 14 times before finally dying of chollera at 76. The body's final resting place was in the woman's icebox. Reportedly, she liked to remove the skeletal frame of her husband in order to have morning tea with her...'
At this point my alarm went off.
At about 2am real time, I woke up very pleased and then fell immediately back asleep. The important thing to remember was that I was having trouble with iron defficiency while hanging out with Iron Man. The second dream is harder to explain, but I shall try my best.
I was in england hanging out with some relatives and friends. Since they most have pubs and not a whole lot of cocktail bars in the UK, we had gotten several bottles of different liquors, mixers, etc, and I was playing bartender. I turned to the freezer to get some more ice for a martini and one of my friends stopped me, and said 'Watch out for grandad.' I was like "Wtf are you on about?' and turned to the freezer. I was just about to open it when a skeleton torso, arms and a head popped out and went the silent movie equiv. of 'BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!' Of course I dropped the drink I was carrying and screamed. The skeleton looked pleased and went back into the icebox. All I remember after this bit was at some point a narrator took over and began explaining as thus:
'....In 1885, the families servants began the custom of burying their dead in garbage heaps as the graveyards were overflowing. Not everyone agreed with this however. One woman was so distraught over losing her husband that she moved his place of burial a full 14 times before finally dying of chollera at 76. The body's final resting place was in the woman's icebox. Reportedly, she liked to remove the skeletal frame of her husband in order to have morning tea with her...'
At this point my alarm went off.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
a conversation
Dave: ...I asked the goon doctors!
Me: ...The goon doctors.
Dave: Yes, there are doctors who use something awful and the internet. Real, professional doctors.
Me: *after a beat* I dunno, honey, I am honestly worried.
Dave: What? They're real doctors!
Me: But.... I'm worried. To quote a final fantasy 8 heroine: 'Im scared! I'm really really scared!'
Dave: To quote a final fantasy 8 heroine 'Trains trains trains trains, trains trains trains trains!'
Me: ...The goon doctors.
Dave: Yes, there are doctors who use something awful and the internet. Real, professional doctors.
Me: *after a beat* I dunno, honey, I am honestly worried.
Dave: What? They're real doctors!
Me: But.... I'm worried. To quote a final fantasy 8 heroine: 'Im scared! I'm really really scared!'
Dave: To quote a final fantasy 8 heroine 'Trains trains trains trains, trains trains trains trains!'
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