Why i Drink When I Play (awful) Games

(A Sub-Narrative by Ashley Farmer)

Disclaimer: Your family, friends, and/or physician would not appreciate you imbibing this much alcohol. Ever. Lest your liver turn into diamonds. Ashley has been training for ages, and should be regarded as some kind of shining golden (or as it might happen, diamond) goddess of drinking. Read the following with caution.

Guys. Honestly. Do any of you NOT drink when you’re playing games? Specifically really bad ones. I mean really bad ones. I once played ‘Coraline’ for the PS2 on a dare, and needed approximately 7 beers, 750ml of cheap sake, two bottles of wine, and one bottle of exceedingly fancy gin. Over the space of two days. I would tell you about the mixers, but honestly that would take too long. What I am trying to say is this: if you play bad games on purpose and don’t drink, you are probably doing it wrong.

Back to the point- when it turns out I have made a bad purchase, or that I have just been dared by some bastard to finish a terrible game, booze always takes the edge off. Did I care that I was collecting fucking buttons for ages so I could skip parts of ‘Coraline’ (Yeah dudes, they built in a game mechanic that lets you skip things if you’ve got enough scratch. Seriously.)? No. Because I was blitzed out of my mind on g&t’s.

Ever had the friend who insists you play That One (it doesn’t matter which) first person shooter that you hate every Friday night that you can’t seem to get a date? Being a bit of a hermit, I certainly have. Now I make it a point for people to tell me a few days ahead of time so I can acquire such as a box of wine and chill it properly so that I don’t care that I’m being screeched at by 12 year olds. Yes. I have play dates to get drunk and play bad games. Go ahead and judge, but at least I won’t remember it in the morning.

Basically what I am saying is this: drinking and games are truly a classic combination. It only gets better if you’re occupied with something you really hate and can’t tear yourself away from the train wreck of whatever it is you’re playing. Think about it.